Camp Crystal Lake Orientation

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Ok, camp counselors welcome to your first day at Camp Crystal Lake (Pause for applause and shouts)! I am sure you have a lot on your mind like: who is this crazy guy talking. Well, my name is Mr. Sanders and I am going to be the head counselor here for the Summer Camp of 83. Now I know a lot of you are nervous about your bunk mates, and the food, and will you be slaughtered by a giant machete branding ghost man. Hey, I was a teenager once we have all been there. And yes, your bunk mates may be a little crazy, and the food is not exactly Denny’s quality, and yes you maybe stabbed to death by an invincible psychopath. But, this is summer camp. Are we going to let bad food and the threat of an arrow through the neck get us from having the BEST SUMMER EVER! But, we have some rules.

First of all no hanky panky campers (pause for nervous giggles) because he will find you and kill you. Second, do not go out at night, at all. I know that some of you campers may want to some late night pranking at the girl’s cabin. But, you will be stabbed and/or decapitated by a giant man beast in a hockey mask. And the third rules, guys, live life for the moment. You are going to have some fun experiences here. Maybe a first kiss, maybe an awesome canoe adventure, maybe nearly escaping with your life because his blade gets stuck in on your friend’s skulls, maybe a fun-sing-a-long. Who knows?

Now let’s talk about your goody back that every camper gets. In there you will find some postcards to send your parents, a whistle to signal when you are in trouble or as a distraction if Jason Voorhees corners your friend in a dark basement as they hide under a table, a campus map, and a first aid kit. This first aid kit will help you with bee stings and bruises not scalping’s and torso stabbings.

Now it is time to address the giant killer elephant in the room. Jason Voorhees. Yes every summer there have been several horrible, terrible deaths by so, many, many creative and gruesome ways. And yes, your parents could have paid a little extra for a camp not being stalked by a merciless killing machine. But, as long as you follow the rules you will be fine, for the most part.

Now turn to your left and turn to the right. One of those people will possibly be your new best friend. And the other will be with a doubt be killed by an ax and/or hunting knife. And last look in the mirror or the clear, reflective water of Crystal Lake and what will you see? Someone who is going to a have wonderful time. Oh, God, what is that behind you? Run! RUN!

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